What Hurt The Most

My past few days have been nothing but sleep, sleep, Hearts, assignment, sleep, stare, Hearts, sleep, assignment, ….. I’ve done crazy things like shouting, crying, sleeping all day, cutting my hair after looking at the mirror for too long a time, eat more pills and tablets than usual, etc. My small brain has been trying to grasp a point beyond my reach – thinking about too many things in one go. I have never been so glad to have traquillisers in my closet. Somehow, tranquillisers or no tranquillisers, my mind simply refused to stop thinking. I thought about all the good things that made me laugh, only to be reminded of the many times I almost cried my eyes out like a baby. And I thought about all the things that hurt the most (or at least in my point of view).

Family
When your parents claim they know who you really are. Sometimes, you’re not even sure of who you really are. It is a wonder how other people are so smart to be able to get to know the real you. Some parents really do know their children – what they think, how they feel, everything. But some parents ‘think’ they know who their children are just because they ‘are’ parents. What they think do not necessarily be real because most parents believe their children to grow up exactly what they want them to be. They simply refuse to believe that their children do not grow up exactly like the moulds they created. This will later lead to confusion and major misunderstandings between the children and the parents. Both sides insist not to let their guards down, and so the misunderstandings will carry on and on. You know what hurt the most? To be referred to as worthless and ‘good for nothing’ child when you tried so hard to be what they want you to be.

And I know how that feels. Thank God the whole misunderstandings and miscommunication are now half-solved, if not fully resolved.

Love and Relationship
Everybody, whether they like it or not, have thought (or think or are thinking) about love and relationship at one point (or many points) of their lives. Even for those who claimed that they are never going to get married, they actually ‘thought’ about matters of love and relationship before coming to such a harsh conclusion. Sometimes when you see couples walking down the road, chatting happily and looking all lovey-dovey, you tend to coo and say things like ‘Ooh, that’s so sweet!’ or ‘How cute!’. You know what hurt the most? To fall in love alone.

Unrequited love is the poison much deadlier than any other. It kills a person from the inside out, reducing him or her to an emotional wreck. When I feel a bit relaxed (after going through all the notes and assignment papers), I sometimes think to myself:
[+] Why do people fall in love? What’s the point of ‘being in love’?
[+] Why do some people fall in love alone?
[+] Why does it hurt so much to be in love?
[+] What is ‘love’, anyway?

I know a few people who want to be in a relationship just because their peers have theirs. A guy friend of mine even admitted that the main reason he wanted to have a girlfriend is because his friends were all in a relationship, not because he actually like someone and want to be with that someone. Guess what? I almost slapped him. The only reason I didn’t was because he was a good friend. If not, I would have slapped the hell out of him.

Thinking too much is equivalent to drinking poison, or at least that’s what I think. While knowing full well that matters of the heart are something we have no conscious control on, I still feel like apologising to the person I like just because I happen to like him. Sometimes, all I wanted to say was ‘I’m sorry I like you. I’m sorry for liking you more than just as a friend.‘ I feel like laughing and crying at once when such thought crosses my mind.

The funny thing is that I am fully aware that no one is actually at fault.

Friendship
To feel unappreciated is almost common in a way, or it’s just that I’ve gotten used to it already. Or maybe not, considering the flickering taste of hurt and bitterness I feel sometimes. Well, consider a situation in which you have done so many things for your beloved friend. You waited for her, walked with her, laughed with her, cracked jokes, gave her stuffs,… How would you feel when the very same friend whines and talks bad things about you to other friends? Surely you’d feel betrayed, won’t you?

To a friend who patiently waited for you because they don’t want you to walk a dark path alone, do you not wait for her if she were to walk a dark path on her own? Do you just leave her there and go about your merry way? Yesterday she said ‘I’ll wait for you. Take your time!’ and today you say ‘I’m sorry, I can’t wait for you. I’m not used to walking as slowly as you do.’

How selfish can one get in friendship? When you’re selfish, they shun you. When you’re selfless, they take advantage of you and take you for granted. When you’re quiet, people think you’re unfriendly. What, then?

Identity
In HDV, we talked about identity crisis and the phases one goes through before finding their true identity. I do not quite agree about ‘changing your personality so you fit in’ rule. To me, it is plain bullshit. Why would you have to change just to fit in? Why do you have to change so much? Little changes for the better are good, but major ones like changing the way you present yourself or the way you look are a little bit too much. So what if they can’t accept your ways? They’re not your true friends, then. A circle of true friends accept each other’s strength and weaknesses.

I really do think too much, don’t I?