It’s never easy to talk about this but my mother makes me face reality every single day anyway. There is no way for me to escape reality because she is always there to remind me. I don’t mind it all that much when it’s true. Most of the time, she’s got a point and her points are always sharp.

Let’s face it. Everyone who knows me knows that I am the only daughter of the family. I am also the youngest child. What do you think the parents’ last responsibility towards a daughter would be? It shouldn’t be that hard to guess, should it? Of course it would be to see that their daughter is happily married to a good man. The ceremony and the reception (or just the kenduri) is also the responsibility of the parents. Why do you think their names are listed as the host and hostess in the invitation card? Sheesh.

Now. My mother has a dream. A lifelong dream of seeing a properly planned wedding of her daughter. This, she told me ever since I was young – ever since I had no intention of marrying anyone (obviously before my fiance found the key to my heart, lol). She is the type of person who likes to plan early. She likes to plan meticulously, as do I. We aren’t perfectionists. We just like to see everything go as smoothly as it can. That’s not a bad trait, right?

She did not get to plan my brothers’ weddings, nope. That was not her responsibility, obviously (duh!). She planned the majlis bertandang or majlis sambut menantu or simply the groom’s reception, which by our norm here (at that time) is normal if it’s just held in a simpler manner. Just a doa selamat would suffice. Well, that was over five years ago, though. I suppose things have changed.

Back to the topic at hand. SO, my mom has a lifelong dream of seeing my wedding reception held at our house, obviously with her daughter and her son-in-law all dolled up beautifully, with pretty deco around us and good food that cost no greater than what we can afford. My parents remind me all the time that the reception is THEIR responsibility, so it will be THEIR money. What I can do is help out as much as I can and provide monetary support only when it’s appropriate. It sounds weird but that’s my parents for you. When it’s their job, it’s their job. I offer my help all the time, of course, because I like to plan too. Buying new furnitures, house improvements, you name it. Sometimes, they approve. Sometimes, they say “don’t, we’ll do that later. Keep your money”. Most of the time, they tell me:

Just let us carry out our last responsibility in peace.

It makes me smile a bitter smile all the time. Always. It makes me happy. It makes me sad. It’s a reminder that we’re all getting older. It’s a reminder that I am no longer a child. At the same time, it’s also a reminder that they acknowledge me as a full-fledge adult now. I thank her for that.

Dear Allah, please bless my parents with health, longevity and happiness. They’ve brought me up as a responsible human being who can now contribute to society. They built comfortable home for their children to grow up in. They provided me with all the necessities I need while growing up and more. Please let my mother carry out her last responsibility and realise her lifelong dream in peace too.

Amin ya rabbal alamin.

Everyone’s mother is different but I would like to believe that every mother loves her children. Every mother is willing to make sacrifices for her children without asking the children to make sacrifices for them first. My mother, I believe, is also like that and I hope I can become like that too one day if I’m blessed with children.

This Eid al-Adha, I also think of my parents’ sacrifices among all others. Happy Eid al-Adha everyone. May Allah’s blessings be with us always

p.s/ I’ve stopped counting my tears because with every count, my heart aches.

© 2011, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.

Good time management and financial planning is essential for when you have big events coming up in your life. You can’t do with just one because financial planning alone is not enough and vice versa. When you plan your money, you plan your time as well. It’s almost the same as making investments with banks. You choose a certain period of time, you keep your money there and reap the benefits.

People who have never been to Kelantan may say all the bad things they’ve heard about this state – dirty, poor, etc etc but there has been much development around since the past few years. I could barely recognise my own place anymore after spending much time someplace else. New highways, new flyovers, new buildings, new towns, high-rise condos, shopping malls and many others keep sprouting one after another that the GPS data needs to be updated all the time.

This state is chock full of people. During school holidays, traffic defeats those of big cities. Driving from Federal Highway into Bangsar after office hours is more bearable than driving into Pasir Mas from my house on a normal weekday during school holidays. This is why it is very important to plan things ahead of time. If you’re slow, you lose out on so many good deals.

The Race Against Time: Since Kelantanese return to their hometown during long holidays, tourists need to book accommodations way ahead of time if they plan to visit the state for shopping at Rantau Panjang, Wakaf Che Yeh or even Pasar Besar Siti Khadijah. If you’re coming here for big events such as weddings, you will have to book at least one month before your projected day of arrival. I am currently facing this problem of finding accommodation for visiting relatives. We made a big mistake of not forming a solid plan until a little over two weeks before the date of the event. I called at least 10 guest houses and got the same response over and over: “Fully booked from 28 May to 8 June, sorry.” I drove along the Salor-KB highway into Jalan Pintu Geng until Wakaf Che Yeh to look for decent accommodation open for booking. Tune Hotel next to KB Mall is nice, but the rooms are very small :/ In the end, I chose a fairly new inn around Wakaf Che Yeh. The rooms and beds were okay when I looked, so yeah. Before booking, I asked two nearby inns and found them to be fully booked as well. See how busy this state is?

If you’re planning to get married or engaged in this state, you also have to be VERY quick with your bookings. Bridal boutiques and bakeries are fully booked everywhere. For weddings, it is essential to book AT LEAST FOUR MONTHS BEFORE the big day. Note the ‘at least’ in capital letters. If you try to make bookings around 3 to 2 months before your chosen date, the shop owner would give you a look that says ‘are you kidding?’ -_-”

Finance is the Key: It is most crucial to plan your money. The price of everything seems to move with time. Well, same rules as the peak and off seasons for accommodation apply. Financial planning for the big day must involve two parties. It’s a two-way communication. One way communication just doesn’t work no matter what people say. At my age, I have to draft a solid money and spending chart every month to determine how much I could save and how much I must spend to survive the month (pay bills, car instalment, credit card debt repayment, essentials…). This year and next year will be different, I hope. After confirmation, I’d be around RM430 richer than this year. I just have to make sure my confirmation goes smoothly

Saving money towards a certain goal is recommended, right? Same goes to saving for the big day. I don’t know about other people but I’m the type who don’t want to trouble my future husband much. I won’t force my spouse to give me an additional RM1,000 just because we’re married and just because he must give me money for maintenance (nafkah). I won’t be an unemployed housewife, so I could at least help out where necessary. I believe that finance is not the sole responsibility of only the husband – the understanding wife must also play a part ^_^

If there are people who claim that I am too young to tie the knot at this age, I want them to ask themselves; “How old were your parents when they had their first child?” This whole process used to be so simple. I have no idea who came around and made things complicated in our current society :/

Until later. Lots of work to finish still.

© 2011, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.

I thought the most flattering thing a girl could ever receive from a guy on his confession is a bouquet of red roses. Apparently, I was wrong. Being presented with a ring that carries so many of a person’s hope and feelings defeats all other thoughts I may have had. Maybe I was dumbstrucked by the words he said, or maybe it was the ring, which strangely fits my ring finger so well. I’m not so conceited as to think that maybe, this is fate that was waiting to happen, but I was hit by pleasant warm feelings that made me all calm, warm and fuzzy.

If you ask me where, when and how it started, I won’t be able to tell you because I myself don’t even know. I was pretty convinced that it wasn’t me he liked, considering his adamant repetition of “I don’t want a teacher” and the sudden “It definitely wouldn’t be me” when I joked with my friends about something like “Lol, who the heck is the poor husband who marries me XD”. What was I supposed to think when someone tells me something like that? I guess you can say that that was the first time I sort of thought that he thought I like him, and that he was giving reminders to me so I don’t continue liking him. Surely you wouldn’t be so serious telling other people the criteria of the partner you want in life, especially when the criteria goes against the other people, unless you want them to get away from you… right?

Or so I thought. So in an attempt to make him feel at ease with me, I summoned the picture of someone I used to have feelings for and used the feelings I once had for him to pretend I was still hung up on him. I felt bad for using people, but hey, I was trying to preserve a friendship here! If he thinks I like someone else, surely he won’t think I, um, like him…right?

Again, so I thought.

Now let’s fast forward a little bit. He started talking to me more. He started spending more time with me , and for some unknown reasons, I couldn’t find it in me to turn him down when he asks me out for dinner etc, even if he was asking me in his roundabout ways most of the time (until I had to ask him ‘Do you want me to accompany you?’. Seriously!). At this point, people who know me well started giving me hints, pointers and whatever else you’d call a wild rumour. Catcalls? That’s the least of my worry then. Of course I didn’t believe them. In my mind, he was still so adamant about wanting nothing to do with someone like me, so there’s no way he was spending time with me because he liked me more than just a friend.

Not much happened after that. So many beating around the bushes and so many hints that I regarded purely as false hints. A couple of days after the exam, we had dinner where he asked me to watch a movie with him at the cinema. I said yes because somehow, spending time with him has become something like a habit. We started YMing. For once, my YM behaved pretty nicely, so we ended up chatting for a whole night. In the middle of our conversation, he suddenly went into contemplative mode where he started a string of conversation I couldn’t understand (until much later). I know I’m slow when it concerns my own self, but I never thought I was that slow. I was so frustrated that I couldn’t understand what he was trying to tell me, so I cried. I always cry when my emotion is on the extremes – too frustrated, too angry, too sad… It’s just something I think I got from my Mom =)

I stared into the mirror for quite a while before I went to bed, thoughts swirling in my head. And then I thought about one person I thought I still have one-sided feelings for up until a certain point in time. Actually, I don’t quite feel anything for him anymore as I’ve learnt to let go over the years. I know I’ve stopped thinking about that person a couple of years back. I also know that at one point in time, I was mildly interested in him (him as in him, not that person) but I didn’t put much thought into it. That was foundation years, maybe? I couldn’t remember.

It took me a while to realise that I may possibly have stronger feelings for him after all, and that scared me into tears.

Moving on. The movie outing was nice but confusing as hell. I don’t know if he was simply teasing me, or if he’s trying to give more direct hints. Direct hints or not, I was not convinced. Time to pry a bit more? Yes, of course! I don’t really like prying, but my heart was at stake. If he really does feel something for me, maybe then I’d admit that I do feel something for him too. I’m too used to burying my feelings deep inside me, so I didn’t know how deep my feelings for him run. Even at that point in time, it’s probably deeper than I thought if he was affecting me so much in so many ways. Not amusing, okay? Hmph.

The next day, we went out with Hanin, watching the same movie. More hints and teasings. From ‘our house in the future’ to Love Letter to heart-shaped onigiris, right until before we went back. I was waiting for a time where he won’t suspect a question from me, so I asked him midway as we were walking to the taxi stand. I hate to recall our brief conversation because I totally interpreted what he said as something along the lines of ‘I’m actually just using you in order to rediscover my feelings‘. That was my interpretation. The hurt intensified. I was ready for a firm ‘No, I don’t feel anything for you’ or ‘No, I was just playing with you’ or ‘No, I don’t like you.’

I never cried so hard out of frustration and possibly anger in a long time. I cried so very hard for most part of the night until I fell asleep.  The last time I did something similar was probably in 2007 because of some issues… heh, not worth remembering. I was holding on to his phone and HDD at that time. Just one look and I got frustrated all over again. Heck, I even saw him in anything red and black, like my own Nintendo DS – and I got frustrated all over again and again and again. When I woke up in the middle of the night to find a few lines left by him on my IM, I let my fingers smash the keyboard keys. I let him know how hurt I was, and I gave him an ultimatum. That wasn’t very nice of me, but I was tired. So very tired of feeling weighted down by the unknowns. In my own twisted way, I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me, or at least just let him feel the hurt I felt. I don’t care anymore. If he doesn’t tell me soon, if he continues to be so indifferent in his roundabout ways, if he asks me to forget about everything that transpired for the past few days, I’m not sure I could talk to him like I always did.

I was edgy the next day. I went into the lecture hall without looking up. I simply grabbed an empty seat and sat down. Hanin actually texted me to tell me that he was pestering her about wanting to talk to me. I actually smiled then. At least he still wanted to talk to me. I was actually scared that he’s just going to be the average guy who’d shrug everything off at his convenience. I’m not used to staying angry at someone for long, but this time, I’m not going to give in. I tell myself that I’m not at fault this time, so I’d wait for him to apologise. I thought I was going to have to wait for a few days.

Scratch a few days. Our conversation happened not a couple of hours after Mdm. Ooi’s lengthy speech about the INTEL course. It was a somewhat solemn conversation. I didn’t let him go the roundabout this time. What I wanted at that moment was blatant honesty – honesty that drips from his heart.

And honesty was what I got. I was expecting an apology when he gave me the three words a girl always wishes for deep down, even more so when those words were accompanied by a ring. I was so touched that again, tears came to my eyes. I didn’t realise I was such a crybaby. Did I wait for this? Did I wish for this to happen? Not really, as I was expecting an apology and a ‘let’s just be friends like always’ sort of speech. Was I happy? Yes, I was, and I am. He was shaking, and that just moved me to another extent.

How cute. And touching.

I was happy. So, so happy.

I accepted the ring. I accepted his feelings. I accepted his heart as I open my heart for him and him alone. I’ve never opened my heart to anyone else, even when they insisted that they really do like me. It felt as though a heavy burden had just be lifted off of my shoulders. And then I realised that all of this time, maybe, maybe I do feel for him longer than I thought.

How come I never realised he was the one I was waiting for in my life?

Somehow in the end, I’m just a girl who is always fearful of so many untold possibilities. Sometimes when I look at him, I think about how long he’s going to feel this way for me. I think about the possibility of him getting bored of me after a while, or of him realising that he’s chosen the wrong person after all. After all, I’m not that much of an interesting person to hang out with, I’m quite possessive, I get jealous quite easily (though I don’t show it), I’m not pretty, and the list goes on and on and on….

But well…

Dear Zaki,

When you’re in doubt, come back to this lengthy entry I wrote for you. Come back and read every word because I meant every word with all my heart. When you think I’m being annoying, come back to this entry and consider it my apology for being such a girly girl at times. When you think I’m being pushy and you can’t stand it, come back to this entry and see that I am just a scared person who might be thinking about you more than you’re thinking about me.

It’s okay if you don’t think about me so often. It’s okay if you don’t spend time with me so often. It’s okay if you don’t want to walk with me or stay next to me so often. It’s okay if you think I probably am not the one you imagine spending the rest of your life with. As long as your feelings for me are sincere, you’ll make me very happy, and I’ll try to make you happy too. I can’t promise much, but I can at least promise that I will try my hardest to not break your heart; so please try not to break mine. Please, please, please try. Maybe we’ll argue here and there, now and then, but that’s parts and parcel of life. As long as you stay loyal to me, I promise that my eyes won’t ever divert to another. We’ve both been through so much in this life. We’ve both been through (what you call) emotional blockades of sorts. We’ve both been heartbroken and used before. We both have deep scars that run deeper than anyone thinks.

I may not know what love really means, but I don’t mind learning the meanings with you.

Pinky promise?

Sealed with a flying kiss,

W. I. Adlina ~2010~
Written originally on May 12. Final revision written on June 8.
Approximately 2050 words.

© 2010, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.

Hidayah and Syazwan Feeding the Fishies

Family and Chocolate Cake: Mama and I baked a chocolate cake last night for the whole family. I didn’t have enough butter for the topping, but it turned out ok. Even the spatula was gone. I had to spread the choc over with just a spoon. It turned out quite ok, though, for a rushed cake. My brother went back to Kuantan with his wife and kids earlier this evening. I had fun with the kids. They’re so naive, how cute! Sometimes I think time flies by too quickly. My brother’s already 32 years-old, going on 33 and my eldest niece is going to be a preschooler in a couple more years. Wow. And I’m going on 22 this year! Okay, denial mode ON now! Before they left, they gave me RM250 for pocket money *is grateful*. Now I have more spare fund to ease my worries where rent is concerned.

Streamyx: PPoE auto mode doesn’t work anymore. I have to login manually. It started around 7.35pm last night when the link suddenly went down. I panicked for a while before logging in straight away into the router management. My login info was gone, and all IPs were reset to 0.0.0.0. The status showed all services in red.

I called 100 at around 9pm. I have to salute the customer service this time for being prompt. The recorded message was saying ‘We’re sorry, but our c–’ when a guy picked up the phone and asked me what’s wrong. Before he could ask me to do what normal protocols usually require (ipconfig, ping IP blablabla), I told him I’ve done all that and gave him the IP number and the packets sent/received from the ping. Before he asked what OS I’m using, I told him I’ve tested the connection on Vista, XP, Fedora, Ubuntu and even Mac (I still have my old iBook LOL). I didn’t lie. In my state of panic, I practically brandished all of the gadgets and tested them one by one. I even told him direct connection didn’t work.

And so my report was filed. A moment later, I calmed down completely. I logged in to the router again and played around with the settings. A little bit of tweaking here and there lighted up the data LED, and I was delighted. ThenI found out that I can only do manual connection. Well, sucks, but for some reasons, manual connection is so much faster – proven by downloading some backup files from my Myotherdrive storage account.

One strange thing is that while not logged in, my currency converter widget works perfectly well. It usually demands a connection to the internet to function. Without connection, it will show ‘No data’. So why? Such a mystery, or that I’m just a moronic noob in this field.

Traffic Spike: There was a sudden spike in traffic because of the eduFire post yesterday, which left my jaw hanging. I’m glad I’ve switched servers, or the site would totally be down. More than 300% over the usual daily traffic. How scary and this siteisn’t supported by advertisements to cover for unexpected damages. Must be careful.

Doujin Overload 2009 & Manga Studio EX 4.o: I got the license! Now I’m clearing out my laptop’s space to accommodate this new program. No more shaky outlines even if the tablet’s precision is not up to par. I guess I’ll practice more. Hijrah is getting really excited about this year’s Doujin Overload. We’re thinking of reserving a table this year. We’ll see how things goes, and if we have the budget. I don’t have the confidence. She’s always the more professional one anyway (and she’s good with people). The problem with July is that it’s winter. Auckland’s rain is always unforgiving (last year we had a storm, said to be the worst in a decade).

Stuck Pixels: The blue vertical line of doom is back for the second time. I think I’m frying the graphic card because I leave the laptop open for way too long, or the LCD is being a darn prick. Since it doesn’t show over white background, I don’t mind much. I’ll let the laptop rest tonight and try to get rid of the pixels tomorrow when I wake up.

Ah… Less than a week left before I fly back. Do. Not.Want.

© 2009, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.

Family
When your parents claim they know who you really are. Sometimes, you’re not even sure of who you really are. It is a wonder how other people are so smart to be able to get to know the real you. Some parents really do know their children – what they think, how they feel, everything. But some parents ‘think’ they know who their children are just because they ‘are’ parents. What they think do not necessarily be real because most parents believe their children to grow up exactly what they want them to be. They simply refuse to believe that their children do not grow up exactly like the moulds they created. This will later lead to confusion and major misunderstandings between the children and the parents. Both sides insist not to let their guards down, and so the misunderstandings will carry on and on. You know what hurt the most? To be referred to as worthless and ‘good for nothing’ child when you tried so hard to be what they want you to be.

And I know how that feels. Thank God the whole misunderstandings and miscommunication are now half-solved, if not fully resolved.

Love and Relationship
Everybody, whether they like it or not, have thought (or think or are thinking) about love and relationship at one point (or many points) of their lives. Even for those who claimed that they are never going to get married, they actually ‘thought’ about matters of love and relationship before coming to such a harsh conclusion. Sometimes when you see couples walking down the road, chatting happily and looking all lovey-dovey, you tend to coo and say things like ‘Ooh, that’s so sweet!’ or ‘How cute!’. You know what hurt the most? To fall in love alone.

Unrequited love is the poison much deadlier than any other. It kills a person from the inside out, reducing him or her to an emotional wreck. When I feel a bit relaxed (after going through all the notes and assignment papers), I sometimes think to myself:
[+] Why do people fall in love? What’s the point of ‘being in love’?
[+] Why do some people fall in love alone?
[+] Why does it hurt so much to be in love?
[+] What is ‘love’, anyway?

I know a few people who want to be in a relationship just because their peers have theirs. A guy friend of mine even admitted that the main reason he wanted to have a girlfriend is because his friends were all in a relationship, not because he actually like someone and want to be with that someone. Guess what? I almost slapped him. The only reason I didn’t was because he was a good friend. If not, I would have slapped the hell out of him.

Thinking too much is equivalent to drinking poison, or at least that’s what I think. While knowing full well that matters of the heart are something we have no conscious control on, I still feel like apologising to the person I like just because I happen to like him. Sometimes, all I wanted to say was ‘I’m sorry I like you. I’m sorry for liking you more than just as a friend.‘ I feel like laughing and crying at once when such thought crosses my mind.

The funny thing is that I am fully aware that no one is actually at fault.

Friendship
To feel unappreciated is almost common in a way, or it’s just that I’ve gotten used to it already. Or maybe not, considering the flickering taste of hurt and bitterness I feel sometimes. Well, consider a situation in which you have done so many things for your beloved friend. You waited for her, walked with her, laughed with her, cracked jokes, gave her stuffs,… How would you feel when the very same friend whines and talks bad things about you to other friends? Surely you’d feel betrayed, won’t you?

To a friend who patiently waited for you because they don’t want you to walk a dark path alone, do you not wait for her if she were to walk a dark path on her own? Do you just leave her there and go about your merry way? Yesterday she said ‘I’ll wait for you. Take your time!’ and today you say ‘I’m sorry, I can’t wait for you. I’m not used to walking as slowly as you do.’

How selfish can one get in friendship? When you’re selfish, they shun you. When you’re selfless, they take advantage of you and take you for granted. When you’re quiet, people think you’re unfriendly. What, then?

Identity
In HDV, we talked about identity crisis and the phases one goes through before finding their true identity. I do not quite agree about ‘changing your personality so you fit in’ rule. To me, it is plain bullshit. Why would you have to change just to fit in? Why do you have to change so much? Little changes for the better are good, but major ones like changing the way you present yourself or the way you look are a little bit too much. So what if they can’t accept your ways? They’re not your true friends, then. A circle of true friends accept each other’s strength and weaknesses.

I really do think too much, don’t I?

© 2007, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.