Because I Can’t Not Categorise Love

oveachance

Or it could be that I think too much. Lately, my mother has been pestering me about the matters of love to no ends. Always reminding me that Allah created us to love and be loved. Always reminding me that I need someone in my life other than immediate family – to love. Always reminding me that I can’t survive on her love alone forever. Always reminding me that I need to learn to love, and to learn to accept love.

I may be able to learn to love, but I honestly think it would be hard for me to learn to accept love. I’m the type who thinks too much at times, and doesn’t want to think sometimes. I wish I could be as outgoing and joyful as some of my friends. I tried. I failed. It’s not about confidence or even the classic “I’m overweight and not pretty and a geek and cannot mix well with people” either. No. I don’t care about that. I’m not pressured either. Heck, what do you think? My beloved best friend is underweight and fair and pretty and cute (I hope she’s not reading this) and of mixed blood (not that I’m not one myself, but still) and more, you’d think I’d be feeling so low just to stand by her if I shoot myself down based on looks.

Based on the paragraph above, you can see how I think too much even when I only meant to say ‘I don’t care much’. You get the picture. That’s the kind of person I am. I describe things to much. Think about them too much. When it comes to emotional matters, it only gets worse.

For me, love comes in types. I categorise people in my live into different love types. There you go. It’s because I categorise people that I’m this way. I hate crowds. I prefer doing tasks on my own, so I’m worried about myself because my profession clearly states me to be more social. When Mom tells me to ‘try accepting xxx feelings’, I told her that I’d feel weird that way. It’s like trying to allow someone into my small circle of love. My brain has this weird schema where I put myself at the center of a circle, surrounded by layers much similar to our earth itself. The innermost layers are my family, and then my best friends, and then my friends. Where in that layer would,say, a boyfriend fit into? It’s like trying to destroy an established equilibrium. Now let’s look at my types of love:

  1. Filial
    It’s the special kind of love I have for my parents. The way I feel about them cannot be compared, or even described. It’s the greatest kind of love you can have for another human being. That’s why I can never understand or comprehend people who tell their lovers “You’re the one I love most in the whole world”. That mentality alone disgusts me. Filial love cannot be replaced. Never. I was rebellious, I know I sometimes still am. Really. This love I have for them is the type that always instantly gets me into ‘guilty, suicidal mode’ when I defy them or think of defying them.
  2. Familial
    The love I feel for my brothers, sisters-in-law, nephews and nieces. And probably my close extended family members as well, like my aunts and uncles and cousins. It’s almost like loyalty. No matter how much they annoy me, I can never come close to hating them. True, I could say “Dammit, I fucking hate you” to my brothers, but we all know I don’t mean it. My brothers are both hot headed. They were almost always at each others throat up until they grew into working adults and got married. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy sometimes, when they’d e-mail me or text me or just called me all the way from Malaysia just to see what I’m doing. Not that I’d ever tell them. My niece and nephews, though we seldom see each other, they have this cute attachment to me. Always calling me name and asking me stuff when we have the chance to see each other on Skype. Hmm.
  3. Platonic
    The love I feel for my best friends (and possibly, crushes). Close, intimate, affectionate – but never romantic. We tolerate all those jokes. We take less than an hour to get back on good terms when we offend each other. We care when one of us gets sick. We relate some things to each other when we go shopping, something like “Hey, this shirt will suit [insert name here] really well!” or “Doesn’t that remind you of [name here]? That’s so her/his style!” It’s the same as familial – just that we’re not related by blood. I can name a few, like Mira, Hanin, Khairiyyah, Keith… yes, yes, you guys are my light. And a few others. Even this one guy
  4. Romantic
    The kind of love I think people feel towards their boyfriends/ girlfriends/ spouses. This is in a different teritory all together. I’ve never sit in this zone. I’ve never felt like wanting to build a warm, loving family with someone. Truthfully, I am scared of this type of love. Romantic love, to me, have its branches. I’m afraid of possessive love the most – the one where you have an unhealthy feeling of wanting someone only for yourself and vice versa. There’s just a lot of things about romantic love that I’m scared of. I… can’t help it.
  5. Respect
    The kind of love I feel for friends, and sometimes, some guys I had a crush on. Respect is a lot like love, and maybe even loyalty too. I don’t take sides. If friend A and friend B are at each other’s throats, I don’t take sides. If they should choose me as someone to confide in, I’ll listen to both sides of the story and keep what I know to myself. I respect them that way. I’ll feel concerned if something happens to any of them. I don’t pry more than I’m allowed to know. I just try to be a good friend. I may not answer their texts sometimes, but that’s mainly because I have no credit left to reply with. Sad, I know…

Categorising people are bad, my Mom said. But I don’t categorise people per se. She misunderstood me. I just categorise love. And she said she couldn’t understand my types of love. I thought I was being clear enough. Frank enough. Apparently, she didn’t think so. She still doesn’t think so.

She insists that normal people are born to feel love. Normal people are born to love. It’s natural to feel love and to be loved. But what I would like to say is: It is also common to not be born normal.

Guh. All these are hurting my braincells. I still need to finish my travel logs. I’ll probably backdate them anyway.

Road Trip Day III: Foiled Piha & Frosty Hamilton

Mid-sem Hols 09 Day 03

There’s nothing much I can say except that THE THIRD DAY FAILED HARD.I’ll get to it soon, but let me just start from the beginning – from before we checked out. I woke up early as usual, at 6am. Atie woke up around the same time too. I decided to let Mira sleep in for an hour more, just because. I took my bath and changed into a fresh new shirt. Looking out of the window, the view was quite spectacular. I forgot Omapere was a bay. Last night was too dark for us to note the beauty.

We kind of made friend with the resident cat, Tequilla, and a little girl called Rubie. She clung to us. She even got into our car and wanted to go with us. It was kind of cute, in an annoying way. I’m glad her mom took her away though she was kicking and screaming when she was taken away from our car.

Hm. The way down from Omapere to Piha was very challenging. It felt like we were driving through a mist, but I realised that it wasn’t so. We were just so high up in the mountain that we were actually driving in the clouds. While it sounded almost romantic to drive in the clouds, it was not when our safety was at stake. We had no choice but to switched the heater on to see the through the windows clearly. Otherwise, they would have clouded over and make navigating (for me) and driving (for Atie) really troublesome.

Before leaving Northland, we stopped by a scenic lookout near Omapere, still in the Hokianga region. The view was breathtaking. We took a few pictures before running back to the comfort and warmth of the car. The wind was too strong and the air too cold.Further down, we made our way through the highway, stopping in the Waiopu forest where the biggest and oldest Kauri tree stood.

The tree was even more breathtaking than the scenic view we saw earlier.

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It’s insane, I know it myself. I was a little bit surprised to find small well of tears prickling my eyes. I felt a wave of emotion crashing down on me. The tree standing big and tall before me was over 2000 years old. It had outlived many people, and it was still standing tall and proud.

Moving on. The road to Piha had so many twists and turns. So many that it made me want to throw up. By the time we left Northland and was back in Auckland region, the weather turned back. The nearer we were to Piha, the harder the rain grew. In the end, we didn’t go to the beach even though the sun was shining again by the time we stopped to have lunch. We were already running low on fuel, so we decided to head back to the nearest town to refill the fuel tank.

Looking at the clock, we should be early by two hours in getting to Hamilton. Such was not the case. On the way to the state highway from Auckland, we were hit with a much annoying problem.

TRAFFIC JAM

I felt sick as the car rode very slowly through the evil traffic condition, so I sat back to make myself feel better. Mira helped navigate our way, no worries there. We were stuck in the jam for more than an hour, much to our chagrin. As we arrived in Hamilton, it was already quite late. We were really lucky we didn’t go to Piha. Otherwise, we might not have made it early to J’s Backpackers to check in. We were already late even without stopping by at the beach.

J’s Backpackers was a lively place. Everybody seemed friendly. The hostess was wonderful too. Our room was even more wonderful. We didn’t have to share our room with others. Only the three of us. The room was very homey, pink everywhere. We felt at home there.

There was a slight change in our original holiday plan. Atie reminded us about our plan to spend a night in the car at Waitomo, but then we realised it won’t be safe because Waitomo was full of caves. Not the best place for a small group of only girls to sleep through the night, in a small cramped car no less. So we decided to look for accommodation in Taupo for the next night. If we don’t get Taupo, maybe Rotorua. I tried checking for availability in Taupo (where can be checked instantly online), but none was vacant. We then decidedto try our luck the next day.

Hamilton was cold. Very cold. Upon checking the temperature on Metservice, I was shocked to find out that the current temperature was 2 celcius! A mere 2 celcius! No wonder we were freezing. Atie even remarked that the air felt almost the same as Queenstown.

And so we slept. I slept last, because I was fiddling with my laptop and the internet before going to sleep. It was freezing. I even borrowed Mira’s sweater for my legs. The duvet was not enough.

Road Trip Day II: Cape Reinga to Omapere

Easter Hols 09 - Day 02

Before checking out, Atie made breakfast (fried egg sandwich) and I cooked lunch/dinner (spaghetti and spicy sauce with basil), with Mira taking care of the dishes. We save money this way, and we don’t have to think about stopping somewhere for food. After that, we stopped by the i-Site for a moment, taking pictures of the beautiful coast.

I forgot to mention in my earlier account of the first day that my camera decided it wanted to be stupid and vibrated, getting ok only once in a while. The vibration sucked. It’s hard to take pictures when it insisted on vibrating like a cellphone on vibe + ring mode. Alhamdulillah, it decided to behave a little bit better this day. However, most of the pictures ended up being taken by Mira’s camera. The difference can be seen from the colour, but not that I minded much. Pictures are still pictures.

On the way out of Paihia, we stopped by Cable Bay to take pictures. I so love the blue sea. Maybe this road trip is making me love the colour blue more than I should. Looking at the sandy beach, I couldn’t help but think that taking a dip at this particular stop seemed way better than the one we took in Paihia the day before. Hurrr…

We learn not to believe the map on this second day. Seriously, the map showed straight, sealed road. Halfway through from Paihia to Cape Reinga, the oad started getting worse by every kilometres. Sealed roads? Yeah, sure. They’re still in the process of putting new seals. Poor Baby (the nickname Atie gave the car) had to endure a long journey via unsealed roads. The road was full of twists and turns, making us all dizzy by the time we reached our destination.

day0202

Cape Reinga was breathtaking. Simply breathtaking. The deep blue sea. The azure sky. The wind. Everything. So beautiful that the one name that entered our minds straight away was Allah the Almighty. We got to see the meeting point of the waves. You can see waves from different directions meet in the middle of the sea.In Maori culture, it is also the meeting place of deceased spirits before they move on.

Oh, the wind was exceptionally strong there. The sun was shining, but it was very cold. We all could barely walk without hearing our teeth chattering. You seriously, seriously cannot go to the lighthouse without a sweater. Unless, maybe, if you live in the south pole.

The lighthouse was smaller than I thought, but it was cute nonetheless.

day0203

On the way back from Cape Reinga, we took a brief detour to 90 Miles Beach. The beach was spaciously beautiful. We took a few pictures and ran back into the car because the wind was super strong and the air was very cold. We initially thought of using the 90 Miles Beach route to break into the state highway, but a gentleman kindly advised us not to use the route. His car broke down halfway. We were scared half out of our wits. And so we ended up using regular road. There went our chance of seeing the sun set on the lovely beach.

Here comes challenge.

We followed the map to find our way to Omapere. Atie told me (I’m the navigator) we won’t be using the ferry, so we’d be using a different route. The problem with this route was that it was completely deserted (save for one and two cars every half an hour, if I remember correctly). It was night, it was raining, and it was dark. Only the moon lighted the road, and even the moon was hidden by the trees and the hills most of the time. There were only three of us, all girls, in the car. The road was not sealed, and it was full of twists and turns. We encountered at least 5 possums, 2 rabbits, 2 horses and 2 cows.

Speaking of cows, that reminds me of our scariest experience that night. While still driving in the dark that night, we saw a black and white figure from afar, standing right in the middle of the road. My first thought was “Huh, a hitch-hiker?” or “Is that person looking to commit suicide?”. I looked like a man wearing a black hood. As we got closer, I felt cold. It was definitely not a man, but I couldn’t be sure of what it was. The first thought on my mind was that “Ghhhoooosssttt?!!!!!”. No shit. I seriously thought it was a ghost. I considered closing my eyes, but for the sake of Atie who was driving and could not close her eyes no matter how scared she was, I didn’t close my eyes. As we got closer, I sighed in relief. I could breathe again. It was a big cow, black and white in colour. I felt like crying then and there, but I didn’t. I guess I was too scared to cry.

We almost took the wrong turn twice. When I saw the sign pointing to an attraction called ‘something boulders’, I yelped in happiness. We were on the right track. We followed the road, scared shitless, until Atie said “Intan, I really feel grateful I could cry now”. We were back on sealed road, making our way back into the state highway. That was when I realised that I hadn’t been breathing properly. It felt a lot better.

The problem was that we were supposed to check in at Globetrekker Lodge before 8.00pm, after which our booking would be rendered invalid. As soon as Vodafone was back in service, Atie called the management, asking if e could still check in. I accompanied Mira to the toilet. As I waited for her outside, keeping my eyes on the car, I saw a guy sitting on a bridge not too far from where Atie stopped the car. I knew the man saw me. He kept looking at me from afar and making eerie, breathy sound. I urged Mira to hurry up, and then we both ran into the car to continue to check in. It was just our luck that we could still check in. Alhamdulillah. The host was really kind. We were late by a couple of hours and we could still check in. I couldn’t be more glad to have a place  to sleep for the night after such an adventurous journey.

Needless to say, we all slept like a log that night.

Mid-sem Road Trip Day I: Paihia, Bay of Islands

Easter Hols 09 - Day 01

The Beginning: We were supposed to start our journey at 9.30am, but due to me cooking and us trying to fit everything into the small Toyota Starlet we rented. From luggage for three people to picnic mat and picnic basket and cool bag and whatnot, just imagine it. It’s safe to say that Mira’s next seat neighbour was our food supply. I cooked fried rice vermicelli for lunch and dinner. We also had tuna sandwiches for dinner to make up for the lack of food.

The Funny Toll Story: We decided not to go through Silverdale and take the highway with $2 toll. We looked everywhere for the tollbooths, but none came into sight. I don’t know if it was because we were too excited or something. There was a sign telling us that manual payment booths are available, but the same question lingered in our brains, “Yes, yes, but where the hell are the booths?” Every fixed distance interval, there were signs reminding us to pay the toll. And that we were given three days max to pay. I was like ‘huh?’, because the toll system we’re used too is totally different.

Atie: How can you get past the gateway if you don’t pay?
Me: I don’t know. Knock the bar down, maybe?
Us: *LOLed*

Before we went through the highway, we saw an officer in a police car, manually taking pictures of passing cars. No matter how I look at it, it seems ridiculous to manually snap pictures of all passing cars. I was wondering what he was doing. It turned out that the officer was the one responsible of keeping record of cars passing through the highway (plate numbers, date and time of entering the highway). When we went online that night to pay the toll, we were laughing and rolling on the bed with mirth. Pay the toll online within three days. I’ll have the old-fashioned toll gateways any day, thank you very much.

The way north to Paihia was filled with beautiful sceneries that we wouldn’t be able to see in Auckland. There’s one thing that I don’t think I could ever forget:

I SAW PINK SHEEPS!!!
cannot unsee them

Oh, those poor sheeps. Atie and I went “EEEEEPP!!!!” at the sight. It burned into my eyes. It ws brief, but it’s impossible for me to forget it. Too bad Mira missed the sheeps.

harurufallsPaihia – the “Yay!” and the “Grr!”: We arrived at Paihia at about 3pm, if I’m not mistaken. We checked in at Mousetrap Backpackers before changing into leisure clothes. We were looking forward to swimming at the beach or at the waterfall. Well, the Haruru Falls was one big waterfall where only suicidal people would jump in. We were so disappointed. Atie kind of cursed the waterfall for giving false hope. Haha, so did Mira and I. We did the next best thing – we stopped the car along the beach and played in the shallow waters. The tide was a little bit high, so we couldn’t go far out. Not with the stones hitting us with every wave washed ashore.

Mira slept the earliest, followed by Atie. I fell asleep after surfing the net for about an hour and a half. And so ended the first day of our vacation.

Easter + Mid-Sem Holiday Plan

holidayplan

It’s currently mid-semester + Easter holiday for two weeks. To make up for the lack of ‘holidaying out of Auckland’ last year, I’ll be going around the North Island with Mira and Atie. Basically, here’s the deal:

Day One
Going north to Paihia. Will be staying for a night there. Beautiful beaches~

Day Two
Going to the furthest north of New Zealand. No shit, Sherlock. It’s located at the topmost part of the map. I feel a little bit giddy just thinking about it.
After the cape, we’ll go south to Omapere for a night. Still in Northland.

Day Three
Going down south to Piha. Yet another beautiful beach~
After Piha, we’ll go down southeast to Hamilton where we’ll be staying for a night. We’ll be visiting all those beautiful gardens.

Day Four
Depart from Matamata i-Site to the LoTR site for the Hobbit Village (more like the holes XD).
And then we’ll go eastwest to Rotorua, Taupo and Waitomo. Will probably be sleeping in the car that night before going back to Auckland. Hahaha.

Day Five
Back in Auckland. Probably be going somewhere around auckland. And then sleep like a big log.

Day Six
The Royal Easter Show @ Auckland (ASB Showground)

Summary
Auckland –> Paihia –> Cape Reinga –> Omapere –> Piha –> Hamilton –> Matamata –> Rotorua –> Taupo –> Waitomo –> Auckland

I may be adding more to the list, but I’m not sure yet. For winter, I’m thinking of going round the South Island from Christchurch to Dunedin and Queenstown. Of course I’ll be going to Wellington and Australia (Sydney, Gold Coast, Brisbane) as well. Not sure if I’ll go in winter or during the mid-sem break of the second semester.

Happy holidays to all~

p.s/ I actually wanted to write about my 2-day experience with the Maori culture at Awataha Marae, but I haven’t gotten around to writing about it yet. Maybe later, after I return from my holiday.

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