I Have a Dream – A ‘Might-be-Impossible’ Big Dream.

Short term dream? –> Finish my master’s, continue to get a phD and run a rewarding small business to fund my studies (and perhaps to afford early settlement of existing loans).

I’m currently enrolled in the 3rd semester of my MA. Ling course and I’m still pretty much in need of money for the tuition fees. When I first started back in January, I thought money would not be such a big issue. However, after paying over RM3.5k in January and realising that I just enrolled in a programme running on a three-semester academic calendar year, I started to panic. With my present financial commitment, I didn’t think I would be able to continue paying for the tuition fees. Add to the fact that my husband is also enrolling in the same programme soon, that’s roughly RM7k per semester per household.

I was overwhelmed. Back then, my Bachelor programme was fully funded by the MOE. Everything was well taken care of and I’m eternally grateful for the scholarship. My parents offered to help BUT I think I’ve burdened them enough over the years. PTPTN is off limits since I don’t want more debts under my name. So, I decided to turn to the only other option that I thought might just work. It’s the only option I’ve never considered before enrolling.

Business.

I started small. On March 2014, I launched a Facebook Page for my first few range of custom hijab, ‘Paperkisses by Adlina’. I chose the word ‘paperkisses’ originally because it relates to writing ( I love love LOVE writing!) and I also want to let the name live on. I previously messed up ‘Paperkiss’ under Project Catharsis. This time around, I don’t want to mess up anymore.  Before anything, I designed my own simplistic logo to give my business a unique identity.

logobannerblog

I owe it to my friends, Farah and Alif for being so inspiring and supportive. Since July, we’ve been collaborating/sharing booths, exchanging info etc. Only Allah can repay their kindness and hospitality. Later, with my lovely Mother in Law’s support, Paperkisses Studio was registered in September (Reg. Num: 002358838-A).

Our next venture? Probably this.

prettylina2
Wish me luck.

p.s/

Never thought I’d be doing this. My weekdays look mostly like this:

7.00am – 4.00pm: Work (Official duty)
4.30pm-5.00pm: Sorting out orders for deliveries
5.00pm – 11.30pm : Rest, house chores, university assignments, lesson planning, accepting orders/updating FB or Instagram, online private tutoring, etc
12.00am : Zzzz

* Private eye-to-eye tutoring mainly on Friday/Saturday based on availability.
* Online private tutoring available on weekdays and weekends (English and Japanese).

Chasing Rainbows

At work, my students think I’m a happy person. Some even called me ‘cute’ because I’m short, plump and wear colourful outfits. In reality, I just feel like sitting down somewhere and just cry my heart out where nobody can hear me.

Today, from the moment I started the engine of my car to the moment I parked it at work, I was practically chasing after a rainbow. My iPod also chose the same time to shuffle every sentimental song it has throughout the journey. Seriously, I would have spent a few minutes calming myself down if I was not running late. I just… couldn’t help but cry as I drive to work.

Like I said, it felt like I just CHASED after a rainbow.

The phrase quickly turned into ‘CHASING RAINBOWS’ – trying to achieve something impossible or impractical.

Being able to live in the same home as my husband still seems like a faraway dream at the moment. It’s like the only option we both have is to take a long study leave to enrol in full-time Masters degree. That would mean leaving my sickly mother alone, though. I don’t want to do that. It is an evil thing to do. At the same time, my husband doesn’t have the heart to work where he’s currently working.

I can’t afford to spend over RM500 every two weeks for plane tickets. At this rate, we’ll end up being as miserable as those separated by peninsulas. Other people can pay for the instalment of their first homes with the amount of money my husband and I spend just to see each other for a very short time. We dare not even dream of going on holidays. We just have too little time together.

I’m feeling more and more lethargic.

As I write this entry, I’m having trouble breathing.

I almost had an asthma attack at work today because of stress and fatigue. The form 1 kids from the last class were being too difficult. I shed some tears in class. At work. Yes, I friggin cried AT WORK. I couldn’t be worse than this. At least, I hope so.

KPM, won’t you help me bring back my old, chirpy self who was so full of creative and innovative ideas…or am I just chasing rainbows?

272 Days and a Jumbled Up Monologue

Precisely, mine and Zaki’s 😉

Ever since I sort of lost touch with drawing and writing, I realised I haven’t blogged about the most important event that changed the way things are now. Yeah, I’m happily married to my super loving husband. Now let me have a flashback for a bit.

The Making of the Video

I was calm during our solemnisation ceremony. Due to a funny slip-up that should never be mentioned, I wanted to cry but ended up chuckling instead at that time. Well, it was….um…. funny and everyone else laughed so yeah 😛 It did feel surreal. It was like, wow, one minute I was still a “Miss” and the next minute I am a “Mrs”. Above all, I thank Allah for giving my parents the opportunity to marry meoff.  I hope they’re happy and at peace that all of their children are married and have good jobs.

The next day was our reception. well, he was late for a bit but that’s okay. Everything else went smoothly. One of the hantarans from him to me was an X-Box 360 + Kinect (hahaha I know, I know) so I remember that after the day ended, we wasted no time setting up the console and giving some games a go. It was fun playing games and goofing around in front of the screen now that we could be in the same room together.

Now, 272 days later, I’m here typing this up while missing him. It hasn’t been easy. I’m in Kelantan and he’s working in Johor. Direct flights KBR-JHB  are only available at a very inconvenient time when every soul is working in the mornings of  Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. We’ve been using the KBR-KUL-JHB-KUL-KBR route all this time because of different weekends and distance. It is time consuming and very costly but we have no other choice if we want to meet. KPM apparently wouldn’t approve of his transfer. What’s worse is that his power-hungry autocratic admin is a major fucked-up asshole who probably doesn’t want us to ever meet, making CRKs and MCs hard (well I pray Allah gives her what she deserves when it’s due, perhaps a lonely death or sth).

The only thing we can both do is pray for an improvement – a transfer, better communication and perhaps, better bosses who actually believe in God and not think of their staff as mere unworthy underlings. InsyaAllah.

p.s/ My ranting in Malay language is over at http://www.dakwathitam.com

May 10 & My very own love incarnate.

I’m aware of the fact that I am very hard to handle. Sometimes I’m too quiet. Sometimes I’m too loud. Sometimes I get hurt too easily. Sometimes I’m so evil I just feel like hurting people who hurt me. I’m so random at times too. Sometimes I think I’m weird, but sometimes I have a lot of confidence in myself.

No matter which part of me it is, it seems like you just know how to treat me. When I end up bawling on the phone, there’s always something that will eventually make me laugh before we end the conversation. I end up crying again before I go to sleep because somehow, I miss being comforted when I can see you up close. Does that make me selfish?

I am selfish in the way that I want to monopolise you for myself, perhaps. To other people, it may seem that I am controlling, but we both know what we’re doing.

I never get enough of hearing you say you love me, not because I’m a smug and perasan idiot, but because the feeling of being loved is great. I can’t even begin to explain how it feels. Perhaps if there’s one thing I would regret about us, it would be not finding each other earlier than we did. Well, I had fun being friends with you. I found happiness being lovers with you. When I’m being VERY perasan, I like to think that you and I – we’re meant to find each other. I believe so.

There’s nothing wrong in being vocal about our love, methinks. Keeping quiet about it is wrong. I’m not ashamed to admit to the world that I love you. I love you. It’s pretty funny I can’t imagine calling you anything else than the way I call you now. The best part is that I can’t even remember how and when it started. I guess the transition was very much natural.

I think about people who are going to frown or make disgusted face/gestures at this entry. I think about them and I can’t help but feel like laughing. Frankly, I don’t care.

Eheh.

Happy Anniversary to my beloved.

Abang, thank you for everything. Being loved by you has made me extremely happy. I may cry a lot, but that’s only because I miss you very much. Like now. I hope I make you happy too. I hope the days we are currently waiting for arrive soon. We are going to create more exciting anniversaries, but we both know 10th May will always be special in our list of anniversaries ;D

~chu.

p.s/ I cried lotssssss reading this, okay!

Mists are only pretty in prose and poetry

Once upon a time, one of the best medicines for me was writing. When I was sad, the pages of my diary would be filled from left to right, top to bottom. When I started blogging in 2000, I began to keep electronic diaries. Some were stored in the form of HTML pages, which I still keep until today. I was once a very active writer hiding behind pseudonyms because I have no confidence, only watching in silent pride when words from the bottom of my heart made their ways onto the pages of the newspapers. I used to take pride in my poems, songs, short stories, and even my musings.

I’m constantly feeling sad now; I don’t know if I should blame the weather or myself for making me feel like this. All I know is that I should really pick up writing again after a long time. Maybe I will be calmer that way, InsyaAllah. I believe this is the first blog entry after being called a teacher officially now, no? I’m a bit excited to write.

360 degrees twists and turns: The road to my school is a long winding one. There isn’t a day when I don’t feel like “Is this the day I die?” when I go to school every morning. I drive approximately 52km to and fro every day, going at 60~110km (usually 85km constant). My car eats up around RM250~300 worth of fuel per month, not counting the itty bitty maintenance bits. Well, that’s parts and parcel of working, I guess. Sometimes, I am envious of those who can walk to school and those who can reach school within 10~5 minutes because they honestly save a lot. If they complain, then obviously they aren’t grateful enough (or they’re just greedy and lazy, idk).

I couldn’t see oncoming cars because of narrow roads and sharp turns. Huge trucks are everywhere, every day. When I’m almost late to school (as in I have 20 more minutes to punch in before the print is red on my punch card), it’s natural that I would be very annoyed if I had to drive at 40km/h. Yet, there are rocks, red soil that could challenge the grip of your tyres, sometimes small streams of water (after a night of rain or when it’s raining) or even dirt-water pools, trucks going at 30km/h, motorcyclists using the roads as if they own them, etc etc. Sometimes, I just had to overtake the vehicles in front of me even though the road was too small, praying I’d be okay.

Thick, thick mists: We seldom drive with the high-beam on unless we’re leading the way at night where there aren’t any street lamps. Otherwise, we could incur the wrath of people driving on the other side of the road -_-” The situation is different with my usual route to school. The mist is so thick; I can barely see anything every morning. The fields to the left and to the right of the highway would be completely white and impenetrable. Using high-beam is a must to survive the journey. Every now and then when the clock shows time after 7.10am, there would be ignorant oncoming cars with their headlamps off. Overtaking is made impossible even if you’re going at 30km/h in this situation. They may have magnificent visions able to penetrate the thick blankets of mist, but I don’t. Most of us don’t. Even more annoying when you see oncoming cars overtaking the road, missing your car narrowly by less than 10 meters or so before assuming their right lane. I was going at 90km/h when this happened once. You can probably guess how scared I was.

So, yes. 6.30am when I start the engine, I’d be saying prayers after prayers while my brain would ask the usual question: “Is this the day I die? God, please don’t let this be the day.” Along the way, my treacherous brain would conjure up visions of how my loved ones would react in the aftermath of my passing. Well, let’s not jinx the ‘d’ word. My parents – my Mom especially would be more than just devastated. My beloved male counterpart, I try not to think about it at all. You know how painful it is to imagine a faceless person replacing yourself, standing next to your beloved. I pray for my safety. Pray for mine too? *winks*

Sometimes I cry while I drive to school. Sometimes I play the mp3s at very high volume until the motorcyclists look at my car like it’s a UFO. Well, that’s life I guess. Until the next entry~