It’s never easy to talk about this but my mother makes me face reality every single day anyway. There is no way for me to escape reality because she is always there to remind me. I don’t mind it all that much when it’s true. Most of the time, she’s got a point and her points are always sharp.

Let’s face it. Everyone who knows me knows that I am the only daughter of the family. I am also the youngest child. What do you think the parents’ last responsibility towards a daughter would be? It shouldn’t be that hard to guess, should it? Of course it would be to see that their daughter is happily married to a good man. The ceremony and the reception (or just the kenduri) is also the responsibility of the parents. Why do you think their names are listed as the host and hostess in the invitation card? Sheesh.

Now. My mother has a dream. A lifelong dream of seeing a properly planned wedding of her daughter. This, she told me ever since I was young – ever since I had no intention of marrying anyone (obviously before my fiance found the key to my heart, lol). She is the type of person who likes to plan early. She likes to plan meticulously, as do I. We aren’t perfectionists. We just like to see everything go as smoothly as it can. That’s not a bad trait, right?

She did not get to plan my brothers’ weddings, nope. That was not her responsibility, obviously (duh!). She planned the majlis bertandang or majlis sambut menantu or simply the groom’s reception, which by our norm here (at that time) is normal if it’s just held in a simpler manner. Just a doa selamat would suffice. Well, that was over five years ago, though. I suppose things have changed.

Back to the topic at hand. SO, my mom has a lifelong dream of seeing my wedding reception held at our house, obviously with her daughter and her son-in-law all dolled up beautifully, with pretty deco around us and good food that cost no greater than what we can afford. My parents remind me all the time that the reception is THEIR responsibility, so it will be THEIR money. What I can do is help out as much as I can and provide monetary support only when it’s appropriate. It sounds weird but that’s my parents for you. When it’s their job, it’s their job. I offer my help all the time, of course, because I like to plan too. Buying new furnitures, house improvements, you name it. Sometimes, they approve. Sometimes, they say “don’t, we’ll do that later. Keep your money”. Most of the time, they tell me:

Just let us carry out our last responsibility in peace.

It makes me smile a bitter smile all the time. Always. It makes me happy. It makes me sad. It’s a reminder that we’re all getting older. It’s a reminder that I am no longer a child. At the same time, it’s also a reminder that they acknowledge me as a full-fledge adult now. I thank her for that.

Dear Allah, please bless my parents with health, longevity and happiness. They’ve brought me up as a responsible human being who can now contribute to society. They built comfortable home for their children to grow up in. They provided me with all the necessities I need while growing up and more. Please let my mother carry out her last responsibility and realise her lifelong dream in peace too.

Amin ya rabbal alamin.

Everyone’s mother is different but I would like to believe that every mother loves her children. Every mother is willing to make sacrifices for her children without asking the children to make sacrifices for them first. My mother, I believe, is also like that and I hope I can become like that too one day if I’m blessed with children.

This Eid al-Adha, I also think of my parents’ sacrifices among all others. Happy Eid al-Adha everyone. May Allah’s blessings be with us always

p.s/ I’ve stopped counting my tears because with every count, my heart aches.

© 2011, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.

My engagement ceremony started and concluded well last Saturday. Although I didn’t get to see the procession of when Zaki’s family arrived, I did get to see it through short video clips taken by my eldest brother. I was smiling and giggling – how cute of him to be flustered and awkward before entering the house.

It started a little bit after 11am, the original time of the event. Traffic, I guess. My uncle’s family helped lead the way to my house from the mosque. I was confined to a room near the kitchen until my cousin called me out for the exchange of rings. If you ask me what they talked about, I have no idea whatsoever. I’ll assume it’s nothing bad because the atmosphere wasn’t as tense as I thought it would be. I knew I chose the right colour when I saw him wearing the traditional baju melayu complete with songkok. I think my heart skipped a beat. Oh, and he was wearing his specs – I LIKE~~~~ (yes, that’s a confession. I love it when he wears specs, okay. And vests. And dress shirts. And baju melayu, of course). After the rings, we took photos. Lots of photos. I am my own photography director for this event, so none of the shots was professional enough, unfortunately. It sort of made me feel like we’re married but there’s distance between us in all pictures. Nevertheless, we looked happy in those pictures~

I wished everyone was there. My brother and sis-in-law are in Tawau, Sabah. His little brother and two little sisters did not attend the ceremony as well. I hope everybody will be in the next time we have an event like this. I’ll probably hire a pro next time, depending on my budget.

We might have been just friends longer than we’ve been in love, but that doesn’t mean our love is less deep than those who’ve been together for longer than we have. I enjoy learning how to become a good wife for my future husband. Back when we were still studying, I love cooking for him because maaaaannn… he can EAT! I don’t know why, but I soooo enjoy watching him eat up the meals on the dishes (or in the plastic containers). I pray that one day the time will come when we will go home to say “I’m home!” to each other. I pray it won’t be too long a wait too. It’s amazing, you know, how we went from aku kau to saya kamu to abang sayang. It wasn’t so smooth but it happened. Naturally.

Anyhow!

It wasn’t a very smooth sailing. We faced obstacles before coming this far and I’m sure there are many more obstacles waiting for us out there. Am I scared? Of course I am. Is he scared? I think so. Well, if I know him well, I know he is scared as well. We’re both scared. The final date is yet to be set. I can tell my brain to forget about it for a while but I can’t fool myself into thinking that it doesn’t matter. Until the date is set, I’ll be fidgety every once in a while, I guess. My mind is already thinking about the event, budgeting and everything related. Budgeting, most importantly. As much as I hate to mention money, it does get the world moving.

Investing in another good Ariani shawl and a DSLR (albeit an entry one) was probably one of my biggest satisfaction ever. My photos came out lovely. The shawl that I wore provided ultimate comfort for the whole 4 hours of wearing it. I didn’t want to hire a photographer because it was just an engagement, not yet a wedding. What I did was set the camera to the settings that I wanted and taught my closest-to-age cousin Zayanie how to shoot with the camera. She took very nice pictures and I’m so happy with most of the shots. Mission “capture pretty moments” was accomplished! I only wished I had good shots of when Ibu put the ring on my finger but it happened too fast (and I forgot to teach my cousin how to switch to “continuous adv” drivesetting). That’s okay, I guess, because I can always relive the moment in my mind and in the video clips. The photo/video editor? Myself, of course.

To those planning their engagement or wedding in Kelantan especially around Pasir Mas, Kota Bharu and Rantau Panjang, I would like to recommend Aisycreation Boutique located in Tal Tujoh. Lovely owners, lovely arrangements et cetera.  You can flip through my engagement album here. Era Nona near Tesco Kota Bharu has one of the best prices for deco and flowers I’ve seen so far. It beats the one shop I saw in Rantau Panjang by miles.

Although the fiance did complain about the intensity of the make-up…ok, he doesn’t like me in make-ups. I don’t like heavy make-ups as well. I don’t like lipsticks, eyeshadows and blushers but I let the make-up artist do her job. My eyes did feel heavy because of the eyelashes, but well… At least they look kinda nice in pictures :/

I’ll backtrack and press rewind in the next entry. I just realised I spoke not much of my preparation and my graduating ceremony which was held on the 28th of May. For now, I’ll stop at the thumbnails below.

p.s/ I love you, bang. I don’t know when will be the next time we’ll see each other again but I’ll be waiting.

© 2011, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.

Good time management and financial planning is essential for when you have big events coming up in your life. You can’t do with just one because financial planning alone is not enough and vice versa. When you plan your money, you plan your time as well. It’s almost the same as making investments with banks. You choose a certain period of time, you keep your money there and reap the benefits.

People who have never been to Kelantan may say all the bad things they’ve heard about this state – dirty, poor, etc etc but there has been much development around since the past few years. I could barely recognise my own place anymore after spending much time someplace else. New highways, new flyovers, new buildings, new towns, high-rise condos, shopping malls and many others keep sprouting one after another that the GPS data needs to be updated all the time.

This state is chock full of people. During school holidays, traffic defeats those of big cities. Driving from Federal Highway into Bangsar after office hours is more bearable than driving into Pasir Mas from my house on a normal weekday during school holidays. This is why it is very important to plan things ahead of time. If you’re slow, you lose out on so many good deals.

The Race Against Time: Since Kelantanese return to their hometown during long holidays, tourists need to book accommodations way ahead of time if they plan to visit the state for shopping at Rantau Panjang, Wakaf Che Yeh or even Pasar Besar Siti Khadijah. If you’re coming here for big events such as weddings, you will have to book at least one month before your projected day of arrival. I am currently facing this problem of finding accommodation for visiting relatives. We made a big mistake of not forming a solid plan until a little over two weeks before the date of the event. I called at least 10 guest houses and got the same response over and over: “Fully booked from 28 May to 8 June, sorry.” I drove along the Salor-KB highway into Jalan Pintu Geng until Wakaf Che Yeh to look for decent accommodation open for booking. Tune Hotel next to KB Mall is nice, but the rooms are very small :/ In the end, I chose a fairly new inn around Wakaf Che Yeh. The rooms and beds were okay when I looked, so yeah. Before booking, I asked two nearby inns and found them to be fully booked as well. See how busy this state is?

If you’re planning to get married or engaged in this state, you also have to be VERY quick with your bookings. Bridal boutiques and bakeries are fully booked everywhere. For weddings, it is essential to book AT LEAST FOUR MONTHS BEFORE the big day. Note the ‘at least’ in capital letters. If you try to make bookings around 3 to 2 months before your chosen date, the shop owner would give you a look that says ‘are you kidding?’ -_-”

Finance is the Key: It is most crucial to plan your money. The price of everything seems to move with time. Well, same rules as the peak and off seasons for accommodation apply. Financial planning for the big day must involve two parties. It’s a two-way communication. One way communication just doesn’t work no matter what people say. At my age, I have to draft a solid money and spending chart every month to determine how much I could save and how much I must spend to survive the month (pay bills, car instalment, credit card debt repayment, essentials…). This year and next year will be different, I hope. After confirmation, I’d be around RM430 richer than this year. I just have to make sure my confirmation goes smoothly

Saving money towards a certain goal is recommended, right? Same goes to saving for the big day. I don’t know about other people but I’m the type who don’t want to trouble my future husband much. I won’t force my spouse to give me an additional RM1,000 just because we’re married and just because he must give me money for maintenance (nafkah). I won’t be an unemployed housewife, so I could at least help out where necessary. I believe that finance is not the sole responsibility of only the husband – the understanding wife must also play a part ^_^

If there are people who claim that I am too young to tie the knot at this age, I want them to ask themselves; “How old were your parents when they had their first child?” This whole process used to be so simple. I have no idea who came around and made things complicated in our current society :/

Until later. Lots of work to finish still.

© 2011, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.

May 16, 2011. I celebrated my first ever Teacher’s Day as a real teacher today. It was a very colourful day, filled with laughter and games and well, food (not that I care about food). I spent the day going around taking photos of pretty much everything to commemorate my first celebration (as well as to fill my virtually empty folio with something more colourful although nobody needs to know how empty it actually is -_-), changing into a pair of slacks and t-shirt just before the morning session was taken over by mini-games. Sukaneka, of course. Timeless classics such as the musical chair and taking turns to fill bottles with water were present. Teachers who took part were very enthusiastic. I had fun watching them giggle and fight for the chairs until the very last.

It felt different. Celebrating Teacher’s Day as a teacher, that is. The celebration was completely organised by students – hall decorations, gifts, programmes… I can’t remember if I was ever that efficient when I was their age. From the moment I got off my car, the air of celebration was already set up, injected with elements of fun from colourful decorations here and there. I wonder how I felt when I was a student.

Today, I celebrated Teacher’s Day from an elevated viewpoint. When I was a student, I was very excited to give presents to all of my subject teachers. I wanted them to feel happy and appreciated. Now that I’m teaching, I found myself struggling to find words to say to students who came to tell me “Teacher, I’m sorry I don’t have money to give you anything. Can I give you something next week?” It was very touching. I realised that as a teacher, I don’t expect my students to give me anything. I’m very touched when a few students who come from very low financial backgrounds wrapped freshly picked flowers from home and bars of soaps to give as presents.

I used to feel bad when I couldn’t give nice gifts to my teachers. Now that I’m teaching, I don’t want them to feel like I did back then. Students feel pride when teachers accept their offerings, so I told the ‘grieving’ children who didn’t bring any gift to not feel sad. I told them to give me the best present they could give me, but one that they cannot buy with money -a good grade. Nothing makes me happier than hearing my students speak in a complete sentence. At least ONE complete sentence. The sense of accomplishment is way different from receiving gifts.

To my students, thank you for all the colourful gifts. I appreciate each and every one of them. There is no need for you to feel ashamed or down because for me, a gift is a gift even if you give me a box of white chalks or a single pencil. It’s the thought that counts. Teacher’s Day is a day for teachers, so make your teachers happy by coming to school and wishing them a Happy Teacher’s Day with a bright, sincere smile on your face =)

Until next year.

© 2011, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.

I’m aware of the fact that I am very hard to handle. Sometimes I’m too quiet. Sometimes I’m too loud. Sometimes I get hurt too easily. Sometimes I’m so evil I just feel like hurting people who hurt me. I’m so random at times too. Sometimes I think I’m weird, but sometimes I have a lot of confidence in myself.

No matter which part of me it is, it seems like you just know how to treat me. When I end up bawling on the phone, there’s always something that will eventually make me laugh before we end the conversation. I end up crying again before I go to sleep because somehow, I miss being comforted when I can see you up close. Does that make me selfish?

I am selfish in the way that I want to monopolise you for myself, perhaps. To other people, it may seem that I am controlling, but we both know what we’re doing.

I never get enough of hearing you say you love me, not because I’m a smug and perasan idiot, but because the feeling of being loved is great. I can’t even begin to explain how it feels. Perhaps if there’s one thing I would regret about us, it would be not finding each other earlier than we did. Well, I had fun being friends with you. I found happiness being lovers with you. When I’m being VERY perasan, I like to think that you and I – we’re meant to find each other. I believe so.

There’s nothing wrong in being vocal about our love, methinks. Keeping quiet about it is wrong. I’m not ashamed to admit to the world that I love you. I love you. It’s pretty funny I can’t imagine calling you anything else than the way I call you now. The best part is that I can’t even remember how and when it started. I guess the transition was very much natural.

I think about people who are going to frown or make disgusted face/gestures at this entry. I think about them and I can’t help but feel like laughing. Frankly, I don’t care.

Eheh.

Happy Anniversary to my beloved.

Abang, thank you for everything. Being loved by you has made me extremely happy. I may cry a lot, but that’s only because I miss you very much. Like now. I hope I make you happy too. I hope the days we are currently waiting for arrive soon. We are going to create more exciting anniversaries, but we both know 10th May will always be special in our list of anniversaries ;D

~chu.

p.s/ I cried lotssssss reading this, okay!

© 2011, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.

Once upon a time, one of the best medicines for me was writing. When I was sad, the pages of my diary would be filled from left to right, top to bottom. When I started blogging in 2000, I began to keep electronic diaries. Some were stored in the form of HTML pages, which I still keep until today. I was once a very active writer hiding behind pseudonyms because I have no confidence, only watching in silent pride when words from the bottom of my heart made their ways onto the pages of the newspapers. I used to take pride in my poems, songs, short stories, and even my musings.

I’m constantly feeling sad now; I don’t know if I should blame the weather or myself for making me feel like this. All I know is that I should really pick up writing again after a long time. Maybe I will be calmer that way, InsyaAllah. I believe this is the first blog entry after being called a teacher officially now, no? I’m a bit excited to write.

360 degrees twists and turns: The road to my school is a long winding one. There isn’t a day when I don’t feel like “Is this the day I die?” when I go to school every morning. I drive approximately 52km to and fro every day, going at 60~110km (usually 85km constant). My car eats up around RM250~300 worth of fuel per month, not counting the itty bitty maintenance bits. Well, that’s parts and parcel of working, I guess. Sometimes, I am envious of those who can walk to school and those who can reach school within 10~5 minutes because they honestly save a lot. If they complain, then obviously they aren’t grateful enough (or they’re just greedy and lazy, idk).

I couldn’t see oncoming cars because of narrow roads and sharp turns. Huge trucks are everywhere, every day. When I’m almost late to school (as in I have 20 more minutes to punch in before the print is red on my punch card), it’s natural that I would be very annoyed if I had to drive at 40km/h. Yet, there are rocks, red soil that could challenge the grip of your tyres, sometimes small streams of water (after a night of rain or when it’s raining) or even dirt-water pools, trucks going at 30km/h, motorcyclists using the roads as if they own them, etc etc. Sometimes, I just had to overtake the vehicles in front of me even though the road was too small, praying I’d be okay.

Thick, thick mists: We seldom drive with the high-beam on unless we’re leading the way at night where there aren’t any street lamps. Otherwise, we could incur the wrath of people driving on the other side of the road -_-” The situation is different with my usual route to school. The mist is so thick; I can barely see anything every morning. The fields to the left and to the right of the highway would be completely white and impenetrable. Using high-beam is a must to survive the journey. Every now and then when the clock shows time after 7.10am, there would be ignorant oncoming cars with their headlamps off. Overtaking is made impossible even if you’re going at 30km/h in this situation. They may have magnificent visions able to penetrate the thick blankets of mist, but I don’t. Most of us don’t. Even more annoying when you see oncoming cars overtaking the road, missing your car narrowly by less than 10 meters or so before assuming their right lane. I was going at 90km/h when this happened once. You can probably guess how scared I was.

So, yes. 6.30am when I start the engine, I’d be saying prayers after prayers while my brain would ask the usual question: “Is this the day I die? God, please don’t let this be the day.” Along the way, my treacherous brain would conjure up visions of how my loved ones would react in the aftermath of my passing. Well, let’s not jinx the ‘d’ word. My parents – my Mom especially would be more than just devastated. My beloved male counterpart, I try not to think about it at all. You know how painful it is to imagine a faceless person replacing yourself, standing next to your beloved. I pray for my safety. Pray for mine too? *winks*

Sometimes I cry while I drive to school. Sometimes I play the mp3s at very high volume until the motorcyclists look at my car like it’s a UFO. Well, that’s life I guess. Until the next entry~

© 2011, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.

For those who have their blogs hosted on blogspot or tumblr, why not get yourself a new blog address that’s not bound to you.tumblr.com or you.blogspot.com? You don’t have to move or tweak anything related to your blog content, you just change the address. You don’t even have to worry about losing readership as your readers will automagically load your new blog addresses when they go to your old URLs. It might, however, affect your page rank. Honestly speaking, I don’t give a damn about PR, so whatever. Any pro-page rank comment or smart ass comment will go down the drain.

Let’s keep this entry jargon-free, shall we? Here’s a (not quite) checklist.
✓ You’re a casual blogger who isn’t planning to make 1 million moolahs out of your blog
✓ You blog for fun, and you want to inject some element of fun into your blog, starting from your URL
✓ You want to change from a-super-lame-and-long-subdomain-name to one that just screams you

The most fun way to change your blog address is to get yourself a subdomain from freeDNS @ http://freedns.afraid.org. There are thousands of domains that you can choose to be a subdomain of, even http://yourchoice.afraid.org. Registration is extremely easy. You can start creating subdomains right away.

STEP 1: REGISTERING & SETTING UP A NEW SUBDOMAIN

So after you’ve registered and confirmed your e-mail address, welcome yourself to the simple and straightforward interface. First, you’ll want to choose your subdomain. Click on [add] and proceed with the next screen. At the dropdown for ‘Domain’, choose any of the suggested domains or click on ‘Many many more available’ and then the ‘Shared Domain Registry’. Find the domain you like from the extensive registry of domain names and click on the name that you want to bring you back the subdomain setup screen.

The subdomain can be anything you want. Your name, or whatever.

Blogspot Blogs
Here’s an example of setting up a subdomain name for blogspot blogs. Do ignore the crude name example

My new blogspot address would then become http://whatta.shit.la

Tumblr Tumblelog
Here’s an example of setting up a subdomain name for Tumblr tumblelogs:

My tumblelog URL would then change to http://1827.bot.nu

Save and voila!

STEP 2: CHANGING EXISTING BLOG’S URL

4. Enter your subdomain name that you’ve set up and save all changes. Just like that, you have a new unique blog address

Tumblr Tumblelog
1. From your dashboard, choose the tumblelog you want to edit (if you have more than one) and ‘Customize’.
2. Under ‘Info, ✓ the box ‘Use a custom domain’.
3. Enter your subdomain name that you’ve set up and save all changes. Just like that, you have a new unique blog address

There you go, one of my hobbies. I love how unique I can make my web addresses even when I don’t buy a new domain name. I also enjoy looking at blogs with interesting URLs. Enjoy your new addresses if you go through with the steps~

© 2010, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.

.

My degree years are finally, finally, over. It was a long journey, but I made it. I’m 23, and I’m done with my degree. I hope I can do my masters soon, but there are things I must accomplish before that. Dreams are important. Reality, however, must always take precedence.

I am not the type of person who thinks about migrating and working overseas. The Malaysian system won’t cripple me much, so most of the time I’m not comfortable with talks about breaking away once the teaching contract is over. This country didn’t kill me while I was growing up. Something must be right somewhere. The only thing that teaching in Malaysia disappoints me is the placement part. Don’t even try to argue this shit with me; we all know how hard it is for teachers who are either born or live in Kelantan to get posted to Kelantan. We are always fed with shits about ‘There’s no more place in Kelantan. All full.‘

Heh.

Bullshit.

Explain the lack of teachers in my schools back in the years when I was still young. Hello. My house is surrounded by many schools that lack teachers. Words get around, and still they say it’s full? All of the time, I heard people grumbling “Because Kelantan is governed by the opposition party, so the central wants to teach them a lesson” blablabla crap. When you ask for transfers, you need cables. Families and friends always come first. Complete, utter, political bullshit. Bureaucracy. Professionalism? Floating in the drain most of the time, maybe.

Personally speaking, I don’t want to teach in Kelantan for some reasons (not political, thank you very much. I hate that stuff). I’m making sacrifices because of my mother, who’s now old and always down with sickness. I’ll have years ahead of me, InsyaAllah, but my parents are old. There’s only myself and my two brothers. My parents are both above 60 years old, only have three children, and only ONE daughter, so is it too much to ask for when we hope to get posted somewhere nearby so we can check up on them always?

Seriously, people don’t feel anything if it doesn’t happen to them. Empathy is lost, I suppose.

I don’t remember the name of this one official from the education division, but she said she was involved in placement (as told by her in her super long speech). She told stories about how this one woman requested to get posted near her parents’ house, and when she finally got posted (by asking that official personally), she only got to spend a little time before her mother passed away. Would the female teacher get her transfer if she had only applied for transfers the normal way (aka the paper system)? Meh, don’t think so.

My brother has been applying for transfer, and his application has always been rejected. Just very recently, 6 of his friends’ transfer requests were approved. Not to Kelantan, OF COURSE.

So, full huh? I want full statistics, complete with school names, staff list, fields of practice and divisions of work. That’s how they can redeem themselves in my head.

Peace, out.

© 2010, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.

With my darling school kiddos ♥

My practicum ends in three days. It seems like yesterday I had a bout of denial about going to school and teaching for real. It was a long road full of challenges but also a lot of fun. When you see the children’s faces lighting up in amusement at whatever you do in the classroom, you feel as though you’ve done something right. That was how my practicum had been up until today.

Weekdays: My weekdays have been hijacked by practicum. I’m not complaining much about it. Not really. I was actually quite amused that the English classes I took over were almost always on the last period before they changed the schedule completely just before Ramadhan. My classes mostly ended at 6.45pm. Funny, really… Shops are not yet open early in the morning. After school, I only have a few hours before the hostel curfew. Ergh. Afternoon session can be very depressing at times. No more cheap student-price movies on weekdays. Hello extra charges on weekends! It will come back to normal next week, though. I should feel happy right?

Car: Honestly speaking, I never thought I’d have a car this year. The car I have now, my first car, is courtesy of my parents, my brother and my sis-in-law. The last couple of weeks were filled to the brim with work, work, and more work. Before getting the car, I went to school from IPBA to SMK Seri Saujana by taxi. On good days, the trip cost around RM25 per day, shared by two people. On days where the taxi drivers or the weather try to screw us over, the cost can go up to RM30+ in just one day. SOBS. I had to walk downhill to find taxis, holding more than 3 bags weighing over 2kg each. It’s very unfair when you think about the ones who don’t have to pay as much for taxi fares because they’re either very close to their homes or very close to the hostel (depending on where they’re staying at).

School kids: When I first came in, I was scared to take over their classes. I have no idea how I was supposed to teach them near the end of the year when they were already used to their current English teacher. Everything turned out okay in the end, though, and I’m glad. I’ll post another entry when practicum ends about the wonderful kids I had the fortune to teach.

Relationships: Friendship and romantic relationship were tested to the fullest during the practicum, at least in my opinion. You learn how to juggle workload and manage time so that you can still communicate with each other during this busy time. So many time we hurt each other because this is the time when we feel cornered by so many tasks, lesson plans, observations and our own selfishness. Crying myself to sleep becomes something normal to do every night when everyone else doesn’t notice. Let’s see if anything changes after practicum ends

Money: This issue is of extreme importance. Paying for so many things on our own is tough. Extremely tough. From petrol to photocopies to many other extras – and the claim takes a bloody long time to come in because some idiots from our course decided not to give shits. I don’t care if they’re friends. They’re still douchebags for failing to do what they were supposed to do. When it concerns money, I will be very touchy. It’s not just practicum.

It’s been a long time since my last blog entry. I think I forgot how to write

© 2010, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.

I thought the most flattering thing a girl could ever receive from a guy on his confession is a bouquet of red roses. Apparently, I was wrong. Being presented with a ring that carries so many of a person’s hope and feelings defeats all other thoughts I may have had. Maybe I was dumbstrucked by the words he said, or maybe it was the ring, which strangely fits my ring finger so well. I’m not so conceited as to think that maybe, this is fate that was waiting to happen, but I was hit by pleasant warm feelings that made me all calm, warm and fuzzy.

If you ask me where, when and how it started, I won’t be able to tell you because I myself don’t even know. I was pretty convinced that it wasn’t me he liked, considering his adamant repetition of “I don’t want a teacher” and the sudden “It definitely wouldn’t be me” when I joked with my friends about something like “Lol, who the heck is the poor husband who marries me XD”. What was I supposed to think when someone tells me something like that? I guess you can say that that was the first time I sort of thought that he thought I like him, and that he was giving reminders to me so I don’t continue liking him. Surely you wouldn’t be so serious telling other people the criteria of the partner you want in life, especially when the criteria goes against the other people, unless you want them to get away from you… right?

Or so I thought. So in an attempt to make him feel at ease with me, I summoned the picture of someone I used to have feelings for and used the feelings I once had for him to pretend I was still hung up on him. I felt bad for using people, but hey, I was trying to preserve a friendship here! If he thinks I like someone else, surely he won’t think I, um, like him…right?

Again, so I thought.

Now let’s fast forward a little bit. He started talking to me more. He started spending more time with me , and for some unknown reasons, I couldn’t find it in me to turn him down when he asks me out for dinner etc, even if he was asking me in his roundabout ways most of the time (until I had to ask him ‘Do you want me to accompany you?’. Seriously!). At this point, people who know me well started giving me hints, pointers and whatever else you’d call a wild rumour. Catcalls? That’s the least of my worry then. Of course I didn’t believe them. In my mind, he was still so adamant about wanting nothing to do with someone like me, so there’s no way he was spending time with me because he liked me more than just a friend.

Not much happened after that. So many beating around the bushes and so many hints that I regarded purely as false hints. A couple of days after the exam, we had dinner where he asked me to watch a movie with him at the cinema. I said yes because somehow, spending time with him has become something like a habit. We started YMing. For once, my YM behaved pretty nicely, so we ended up chatting for a whole night. In the middle of our conversation, he suddenly went into contemplative mode where he started a string of conversation I couldn’t understand (until much later). I know I’m slow when it concerns my own self, but I never thought I was that slow. I was so frustrated that I couldn’t understand what he was trying to tell me, so I cried. I always cry when my emotion is on the extremes – too frustrated, too angry, too sad… It’s just something I think I got from my Mom =)

I stared into the mirror for quite a while before I went to bed, thoughts swirling in my head. And then I thought about one person I thought I still have one-sided feelings for up until a certain point in time. Actually, I don’t quite feel anything for him anymore as I’ve learnt to let go over the years. I know I’ve stopped thinking about that person a couple of years back. I also know that at one point in time, I was mildly interested in him (him as in him, not that person) but I didn’t put much thought into it. That was foundation years, maybe? I couldn’t remember.

It took me a while to realise that I may possibly have stronger feelings for him after all, and that scared me into tears.

Moving on. The movie outing was nice but confusing as hell. I don’t know if he was simply teasing me, or if he’s trying to give more direct hints. Direct hints or not, I was not convinced. Time to pry a bit more? Yes, of course! I don’t really like prying, but my heart was at stake. If he really does feel something for me, maybe then I’d admit that I do feel something for him too. I’m too used to burying my feelings deep inside me, so I didn’t know how deep my feelings for him run. Even at that point in time, it’s probably deeper than I thought if he was affecting me so much in so many ways. Not amusing, okay? Hmph.

The next day, we went out with Hanin, watching the same movie. More hints and teasings. From ‘our house in the future’ to Love Letter to heart-shaped onigiris, right until before we went back. I was waiting for a time where he won’t suspect a question from me, so I asked him midway as we were walking to the taxi stand. I hate to recall our brief conversation because I totally interpreted what he said as something along the lines of ‘I’m actually just using you in order to rediscover my feelings‘. That was my interpretation. The hurt intensified. I was ready for a firm ‘No, I don’t feel anything for you’ or ‘No, I was just playing with you’ or ‘No, I don’t like you.’

I never cried so hard out of frustration and possibly anger in a long time. I cried so very hard for most part of the night until I fell asleep.  The last time I did something similar was probably in 2007 because of some issues… heh, not worth remembering. I was holding on to his phone and HDD at that time. Just one look and I got frustrated all over again. Heck, I even saw him in anything red and black, like my own Nintendo DS – and I got frustrated all over again and again and again. When I woke up in the middle of the night to find a few lines left by him on my IM, I let my fingers smash the keyboard keys. I let him know how hurt I was, and I gave him an ultimatum. That wasn’t very nice of me, but I was tired. So very tired of feeling weighted down by the unknowns. In my own twisted way, I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me, or at least just let him feel the hurt I felt. I don’t care anymore. If he doesn’t tell me soon, if he continues to be so indifferent in his roundabout ways, if he asks me to forget about everything that transpired for the past few days, I’m not sure I could talk to him like I always did.

I was edgy the next day. I went into the lecture hall without looking up. I simply grabbed an empty seat and sat down. Hanin actually texted me to tell me that he was pestering her about wanting to talk to me. I actually smiled then. At least he still wanted to talk to me. I was actually scared that he’s just going to be the average guy who’d shrug everything off at his convenience. I’m not used to staying angry at someone for long, but this time, I’m not going to give in. I tell myself that I’m not at fault this time, so I’d wait for him to apologise. I thought I was going to have to wait for a few days.

Scratch a few days. Our conversation happened not a couple of hours after Mdm. Ooi’s lengthy speech about the INTEL course. It was a somewhat solemn conversation. I didn’t let him go the roundabout this time. What I wanted at that moment was blatant honesty – honesty that drips from his heart.

And honesty was what I got. I was expecting an apology when he gave me the three words a girl always wishes for deep down, even more so when those words were accompanied by a ring. I was so touched that again, tears came to my eyes. I didn’t realise I was such a crybaby. Did I wait for this? Did I wish for this to happen? Not really, as I was expecting an apology and a ‘let’s just be friends like always’ sort of speech. Was I happy? Yes, I was, and I am. He was shaking, and that just moved me to another extent.

How cute. And touching.

I was happy. So, so happy.

I accepted the ring. I accepted his feelings. I accepted his heart as I open my heart for him and him alone. I’ve never opened my heart to anyone else, even when they insisted that they really do like me. It felt as though a heavy burden had just be lifted off of my shoulders. And then I realised that all of this time, maybe, maybe I do feel for him longer than I thought.

How come I never realised he was the one I was waiting for in my life?

Somehow in the end, I’m just a girl who is always fearful of so many untold possibilities. Sometimes when I look at him, I think about how long he’s going to feel this way for me. I think about the possibility of him getting bored of me after a while, or of him realising that he’s chosen the wrong person after all. After all, I’m not that much of an interesting person to hang out with, I’m quite possessive, I get jealous quite easily (though I don’t show it), I’m not pretty, and the list goes on and on and on….

But well…

Dear Zaki,

When you’re in doubt, come back to this lengthy entry I wrote for you. Come back and read every word because I meant every word with all my heart. When you think I’m being annoying, come back to this entry and consider it my apology for being such a girly girl at times. When you think I’m being pushy and you can’t stand it, come back to this entry and see that I am just a scared person who might be thinking about you more than you’re thinking about me.

It’s okay if you don’t think about me so often. It’s okay if you don’t spend time with me so often. It’s okay if you don’t want to walk with me or stay next to me so often. It’s okay if you think I probably am not the one you imagine spending the rest of your life with. As long as your feelings for me are sincere, you’ll make me very happy, and I’ll try to make you happy too. I can’t promise much, but I can at least promise that I will try my hardest to not break your heart; so please try not to break mine. Please, please, please try. Maybe we’ll argue here and there, now and then, but that’s parts and parcel of life. As long as you stay loyal to me, I promise that my eyes won’t ever divert to another. We’ve both been through so much in this life. We’ve both been through (what you call) emotional blockades of sorts. We’ve both been heartbroken and used before. We both have deep scars that run deeper than anyone thinks.

I may not know what love really means, but I don’t mind learning the meanings with you.

Pinky promise?

Sealed with a flying kiss,

W. I. Adlina ~2010~
Written originally on May 12. Final revision written on June 8.
Approximately 2050 words.

© 2010, Adlina. All rights reserved. Please link back to this page if quoted.