Chasing Rainbows

At work, my students think I’m a happy person. Some even called me ‘cute’ because I’m short, plump and wear colourful outfits. In reality, I just feel like sitting down somewhere and just cry my heart out where nobody can hear me.

Today, from the moment I started the engine of my car to the moment I parked it at work, I was practically chasing after a rainbow. My iPod also chose the same time to shuffle every sentimental song it has throughout the journey. Seriously, I would have spent a few minutes calming myself down if I was not running late. I just… couldn’t help but cry as I drive to work.

Like I said, it felt like I just CHASED after a rainbow.

The phrase quickly turned into ‘CHASING RAINBOWS’ – trying to achieve something impossible or impractical.

Being able to live in the same home as my husband still seems like a faraway dream at the moment. It’s like the only option we both have is to take a long study leave to enrol in full-time Masters degree. That would mean leaving my sickly mother alone, though. I don’t want to do that. It is an evil thing to do. At the same time, my husband doesn’t have the heart to work where he’s currently working.

I can’t afford to spend over RM500 every two weeks for plane tickets. At this rate, we’ll end up being as miserable as those separated by peninsulas. Other people can pay for the instalment of their first homes with the amount of money my husband and I spend just to see each other for a very short time. We dare not even dream of going on holidays. We just have too little time together.

I’m feeling more and more lethargic.

As I write this entry, I’m having trouble breathing.

I almost had an asthma attack at work today because of stress and fatigue. The form 1 kids from the last class were being too difficult. I shed some tears in class. At work. Yes, I friggin cried AT WORK. I couldn’t be worse than this. At least, I hope so.

KPM, won’t you help me bring back my old, chirpy self who was so full of creative and innovative ideas…or am I just chasing rainbows?

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